Over the past two days the walls of my little world sort of came crumbling in on me (yet again). I can’t give any details as to why (please do not ask … and those who know, please refrain from telling).
For a while there I genuinely believed that there was no way of fixing things, that it was just ‘game over’ and because of the curious nature of my brain, those ‘tricky demons’ I carry instantly took hold of me and convinced me that there was only one way out.
I wasn’t even really depressed. I just suddenly felt so out of control and believed that my entire future and everything I hope to do would never be possible. Because of all of this and more, I convinced myself that I am just a burden on the people around me and that I would be doing people a favour by not being here.
In a very short space of time I began to spiral. I even found myself beginning to consider some ‘exit plans’ almost as if it was a completely normal thing to do… I am not exaggerating. I felt like I had to keep it all to myself and I was going to make sure I caught up with all of my friends and then basically disappear. Yep, it got that dark!
Eventually I decided to open up. I spoke to a friend and they calmed me down and told me that we would figure everything out and only a few hours later I was able to basically tell those ‘demons’ to go to hell and I told myself, I can do this. I have been through worse and I can get through this.
This was yesterday. Today, the situation isn’t exactly fixed but I have hope again and I am certainly not planning on jumping off any bridges any time soon. But I am strong again and that is because I shared everything I was going through and I was no longer alone and completely helpless.
I am sharing this because I want people to understand how fast ‘it’ takes hold of you and how quickly things can change, for better or worse. If I hadn’t shared, I would have probably continued to spiral and no doubt those ‘demons’ would have continued to be in control. I like to think that I would have got through it because I am a tough cookie, and yes, I really am frickin’ nails (flexes muscles) but the fact is, there were moments where I wasn’t entirely in control of the outcome. I needed to ask for support.
In the past, I have often got through these things by myself. I didn’t share but through self reflection and sheer will, somehow I found strength to get through it.
Since my early teens, I don’t think there have been many weeks where at some point these feelings were not at least in the back of my mind but I have always refused to give in, I can’t stand feeling like that and I always try to make the best of whatever is thrown my way. As I often say, life can throw shit at me but I will cover that shit in glitter and put a flag in it. It’s my shit, I own it!
Also, thankfully I am stubborn as hell and with these types of thoughts and feelings stubbornness possibly one of my greatest strengths. But even the strongest of us sometimes lose their fight. People often call those people selfish and weak, It’s easy to say that when you weren’t in their shoes but those words never saved anyone.
Anyway, other than sharing this brief but slightly epic episode (one of many and by far not the worst) I also wanted to say I am so grateful for my friends and my husband. The people who have my back no matter what and are there for me to help me find strength when I am having one of my more serious ’emo’ moments.
Today is a new hot sweaty day. I am on it. Bring it on universe!
Shout out to Kelly. Thank you. Love you, Walnut!! xx